I will never forget the phone call. All I heard was, "Mom", and then silence! I immediately knew something terrible had happened. I was in tears before she was able to continue with, "Mac is dead!" In a second all of our lives were changed. Our daughters 43 year-old husband had died of a heart attack leaving her with 16 & 23 year-old sons.
The feeling of helplessness engulfed me. I longed to take her in my arms. The distance in the middle of us became unbearable. They lived in Mississippi. We lived in California.
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It seemed a lifetime before we got to them. My husband and I gathered them in our circle of love as we cried until we could cry no more.
If any of you have had this experience, you will understand. None of our house had lost a loved one we were close to, so we had no frame of reference to draw from. All we could do was hold each other and love each other.
I want to share some of the things we learned from this feel which may be helpful to others.
1. Helping others through the grieving process
2. Helping them remember their loved one in inevitable ways.
3. Making the best of hard times.
Helping Your Loved One through The Grieving Process
Mac was an fabulous father who loved his sons dearly. He was all the time there for them, as a friend and a father. He brought adventure and excitement to them all. His proximity was what they missed the most. Linda said the worst part was that she knew he was gone and she could no longer talk to him or see him. She said death feels so final.
The shock of losing him was tremendously traumatic for all of them. They needed love, understanding, compassion and encouragement from us. We didn't know how they would feel from day to day. It would seem that they are Ok and the next day they could be falling apart.
They needed time to sort through their feelings and for us to understand this. We could not tell them what to do but only help them outline it out by listening to them and helping them make decisions along the way.
Linda, being the mother, not only had her own emotions to deal with but she had to keep up her spirits for the sake of her boys. When someone passes suddenly, there is no time to put in order so they need time to talk it out. Linda was expert at being there for her boys. Her 16 year old was still home but her 23 year old is working in another state. We were thankful that my husband and I were there for Linda.
I was amazed with how much work is involved in making arrangements for the funeral and also figuring out economic and financial things, especially if the one who passed away was the one in fee of those things. They by all means; of course need help in all areas because even if they are commonly very efficient in those matters, while in grief, they are not thinking commonly or emotionally the same as they were before the death.
One blessing Mac left them with was an assurance policy. This one thing alone has been a great blessing, giving them security and comfort.
We found that the most help we could be to them was to be there for them. Fortunately, my husband and I were free enough to physically be with them. We rented our house in San Diego and bought a miniature house in Mississippi, fifteen minutes from Chris and Linda. It was the best thing we did and they were so grateful to have us and we are so thankful to be with them. We plan to be here until we know they are ok.
My husband and I learned also that we needed impel to be their care giver. You must perceive that you will need impel yourself. Your prayers are invaluable to give you the impel and courage to be there for them. You may need a mentor yourself. Find someone you can talk to - your priest or a good friend. You must stay strong for their sake. We are grateful to have each other to lean on and hold each other up.
Helping Them Remember Their Loved One In inevitable Ways
It is very easy to come to be depressed, discouraged, angry, and resentful when you lose someone you love. They are mad at the someone for leaving, mad at God for taking them and may be angry at themselves for not doing something they wished they had done before their loved one passed on.
Their emotions run wild and their minds can became totally negative.
They need someone to help them think straight, think right and think positively.
In Luke 6:21 - Blessed ye that weep now, for ye shall laugh.
Help them remember the good times. Talk about the good times. Help them remember there are things they can't convert so they must not dwell on them. Help them put their hope in God and draw near him with their hurts and concerns. Help them understand that even though we don't understand everything, God knows everything. One day, they will understand and be able to make sense of it all.
Reading articles on how other population have survived the loss of a loved one can be helpful but, in the end, the grieving process takes time and they must be reminded that it's Ok for it to take time. It is normal for them to feel the feelings they have. In some cases, population need counseling and even medication, which is normal, as well.
We can tell them, "It was their loved ones time", or "their loved one is in a good place," or "they will see their loved one again." In the end, they are going to have to come to their own conclusions. You can encourage them to have faith, to pray, to study the scriptures and to draw near to God for their strength. In the end, God will be the one who will bring them relieve and understanding.
Making The Best Of Hard Times
"Be of Good Cheer" Mark 6:50
It's not easy to be of good cheer when you're going through hard times but Linda and her boys have proven that it is possible.
I asked them how they have survived losing their husband and father.
My daughter said: When I'm down I remember the good times and all my blessings. I think of pleasant things. I pray, I read scriptures and I write in my journal. Daily these things help me through my sad feelings. Even personal things, like keeping up an rehearsal program and eating properly, have helped her.
Another thing I have seen my daughter do is serve others. When she is having a hard time she will call a friend. She will take dinner to someone. She will visit with someone who needs a listening ear. I have seen her handle her sorrow and loss by caring for others.
Chris, my 16 year old grandson, says his inexpressive is keeping busy. His mom helped him buy a 1980 Camero car which needed a lot of work. In fact, he is presently rebuilding the motor and hoping to restore the whole car. This car has been a great blessing to help him keep functioning and have his mind on things other than his father. He also says he has to think of happy things. He remembers the happy times he had with his dad. He is in his final year of high school and has a part time job so he does keep busy.
He also wrote, in the front of his scriptures, "things you should do when you're down." They are: Repentance, Prayers, Service, Work, Health, Reading, Blessings, Fasting, Friends, Music, Endurance, and Goals. These things help him think inevitable thoughts and work on things which are hard for him.
Jesse, the 23 year old says, "He has survived by talking to his Dad and telling him he loves him." It has helped him and he believes his Dad is listening to him. Remembering the good times, with his Dad, has also helped. Being close to other relatives, where he is now living has been a great retain to him. Thankfully, he is close to his other grandparents who live in the state where he is working.
The three of them spend as much time together, as possible. Jesse comes home when he can and they spend hours on the phone together and the two boys constantly text message. They believe Mac is there for them and is doing all he can to help them from where he is. They also believe they will see him again, so this gives them comfort.
I have observed that their faith in a loving God has been what has pulled them all through. Drawing on that power, as a family, has given the many strength.
My own thoughts are: "accept being down but don't let it linger too long. Get yourself out of your sadness and remember tomorrow is another day. Get help if you need it."
"You can't know the sweet until you know the bitter."
"Don't worry! 90% of the things we worry about never happen. When the 10% does happen then we can deal with it at that time. Worry is a waste of time."
Others have given us good advice on how to make the best of hard times.
"The conquering of adversity produces impel of character, forges self confidence, engenders self respect and assures success in righteous endeavor." Richard G. Scott
"Our finest hours are sometimes during or just following our darkest hours." Niel A Maxwell.
The scriptures tell us:
"Nothing can detach us from the love of God." Romans 8:38-39
"Bear yea one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2
""Casting all your cares upon him; for he careth for you. 1 Peters 5:7
In conclusion:
I pray the things I have shared may help you or a loved one through the grieving process and help you think of your loved ones in inevitable ways and above all, learn to make the best of hard times.
I believe, all of the trails we face in life are a test to see if, in spite of the trials, we will still stay close to our Father-In -Heaven. Trails can cause us to turn to him for impel and support.
In spite of trails we must never give up or lose our loving heart or our testimony.
Our trials are also for the purpose of strengthening us for the future, for something we may need to do. Perhaps someone we may need to help. We must be prepared.
My daughter and her sons miss their loved one very much but they perceive he would want them to continue on and be happy so they all work hard at doing their best and we are proud at how well they are doing.
I pray that you too will make the best of your hard times.
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